Ever wonder why some people lead great lives and others can’t seem to stop attracting bullshit? The answer lies in your past history and the unawareness of thoughts created by your experiences:
EACH OF US HAVE ‘SELF REPLICATING VIRUSES’ IN OUR SUBCONSCIOUS MIND THAT NEED TO BE IDENTIFIED AND DEALT WITH.
They’re insidious beliefs that act like malware on a computer and taint the way you view life and everything that happens to you.
What’s worse is they trigger us to project our insecurities or core wounds (i.e., things that hurt us deeply as children) onto others… which then develop into very literal self fulfilling prophecies, causing what some might call “blocks to manifesting” the life that we really want.
And THAT my dears is why John or Brenda is enjoying life while you’re wondering wtf??
HERE’S HOW IT WORKS:
Adverse Experience: Something distressing or traumatic happens to you (can be real or perceived). This creates a wound and with it an unconscious belief (e.g., your partner cheats on you so now you are always anxious that love won’t last; you come to believe they’ll always eventually leave you).
Core Wound & Unconscious Belief: That belief now colors the way you see things, including people and their actions (e.g., you’re on high alert because people can’t be trusted).
Behavioral Change Projecting Belief: And whether you realize it or not, that belief changes the way you interact with life and everyone in it (e.g., you become clingy and seek out frequent validation of other’s love, affection, and approval).
“Attract” Scenarios Reinforcing Belief: As a result, their behavior changes too (e.g., they start withdrawing or getting resentful and your brain now sees new “evidence” that it is right – love doesn’t last and they always eventually leave).
This creates a new adverse experience and the cycle continues.
You see, your brain THINKS it is doing you a favor by paying more attention to the shit you don’t want – the shit that hurt you – and doing its dead level best to never let it happen again. It does this by scanning for “insecurities” and projecting them onto what it perceives to be potentially hazardous situations. It’s self-preservation gone awry. 😉
You attract and manifest whatever corresponds to your internal state.
— Eckhart Tolle
Disney Pixar captured this brilliantly in Wreck it Ralph 2, check it out:
AN EXAMPLE FROM REAL LIFE
One of my core wounds (especially as a type 7 on the Enneagram) is – the fear of not being able to rely on others; that my needs will not be taken care of (physical or emotional). <– self-replicating virus projected onto others.
So I stopped worrying about it or even bothering to attempt to show vulnerability or delegate tasks/ requests. <– behavioral change projecting belief.
I learned as a child to cope by becoming overly independent and focusing on the positive. It was comforting to be in control and to stay happy. And it works wonderfully. It’s not even a bad thing. Certainly not when kept in healthy boundaries and moderation.
However, in times of stress or when I am not particularly mindful, I can “manifest” scenarios and relationships where my core wound is played out over and over again.
– romantic partners who cannot get their shit together
– business partners who don’t carry their weight
– feeling ostracized by those in my career field or certain family settings
– struggle to connect with female friendships
Was any of it true? Maybe. Sometimes. Doesn’t change the fact that I was “attracting” these possibilities to me to work out my unresolved issues nor was I getting anywhere by simply being upset about it or trying to control the situation or protect myself somehow by not bothering.
I have known women who were filled with doubt, fear, and suspicion ask for perfect love and companionship. It would appear in their lives for a short time, but then be tragically ended, for the old fears and suspicious were stronger than love and faith.
— Florence Scovel Shinn
In his book, “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose,” Eckhart Tolle points out that one of the most common emotions humans experience is one of discontent and in fact, many people seem to actually live there – never satisfied, never truly happy with where they are in life. It’s actually quite easy to see why and how this happens:
“Underlying that feeling [discontent] are certain unconsciously held beliefs, that is to say thoughts. You think these thoughts in the same way that you dream your dreams when you are asleep. In other words, you don’t know you are thinking those thoughts, just as the dreamer doesn’t know he is dreaming.”
He goes on to provide some of the most prevalent unconscious thoughts feeding this pervasive unhappiness in people. See if any hit home with you:
OH THE LIES WE TELL OURSELVES
- “There is something that needs to happen in my life before I can be at peace (happy fulfilled etc.). And I resent that it hasn’t happened yet.”
- “Something happened in the past that should not have happened, and I resent that. If that hadn’t happened, I would be at peace now.”
- “Something is happening now that should not be happening, and it is preventing me from being at peace now.”
Tolle notes that sometimes these unconscious beliefs are directed toward another PERSON and so “happening” becomes “doing”:
- “You should do this or that so that I can be at peace. And I resent that you haven’t done it yet. Maybe my resentment will make you do it.”
- “Something you (or I) did, said, or failed to do in the past is preventing me from being at peace now.”
- “What you are doing or failing to do now is preventing me from being at peace.”
Self-pity is one of the deadly sins. ‘Poor me’ is the worst affirmation you can make, as it cuts you off from the Power within, and you will have more and more reasons for pitying yourself. A woman came to me, feeling she was neglected and left out of all the good things in life. I gave her the affirmation: There is nothing too good for me! She repeated it hundreds of times, and suddenly conditions commenced to change. Kind and influential friends came into her life, and new opportunities for success and prosperity opened. Later, she was given the desire of her heart, which was to go abroad and study music. Bruce Barton says, ‘There is danger in being sorry for yourself.”
— Florence Scovel Shinn
THE KEY TO STOPPING THE CYCLE
🧠 Become aware of the pattern.
Are there certain things that bug you more than others? Do you see themes emerging in your life? Perhaps a certain type of person or situation that pops up over and over? Take note! There’s likely a self-replicating virus at play in your subconscious.
🧠 Come to see who you really are as an individual, beneath all of that operant conditioning and trauma (i.e., the core wounds).
This requires making the unconscious conscious. Slow down. Whenever you find yourself triggered (i.e., you feel an uncomfortable emotion), pause for a minute and ask yourself, “What the hell did I just tell myself? Where did that come from? Who is thinking that thought?”
If you don’t know the answer right away, don’t fret. That knowledge is icing on the cake anyway and not truly necessary for freedom and healing to occur. All you really need is felt space between you and the situation. More on that here.
🧠 Resolve any unresolved issues.
Heal them once and for all (or at least understand the process of how to do it on your own) so that way when the possibilities for a new wound come knocking on your door again, there’s nothing for them to attach to. Obviously as a therapist-coach myself, I think processing aloud with another individual is a great way to work on this, but so are mindfulness and forgiveness rituals like Ho’oponopono. Anything (yoga, exercise, sex…) that brings you back into the present moment and breaks the hold on the past.
Learn how to gift others and yourself with separate paths. When you truly come to see that nothing anyone could every say or do can rob you of your peace unless you allow it, that’s when you will find the life you’ve always wanted!
And if you could use extra help in this area, hit me up by clicking on the link in my bio below.
- “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose” by Eckhart Tolle
- “Loving What Is: Four Questions That Can Change Your Life” by Byron Katie
- “The Four Agreements: a Practical Guide to Personal Freedom” by Don Miguel Ruiz & Janet Mills
- “The Untethered Soul: the Journey Beyond Yourself” by Michael Singer
- “Somebody Should Have Told Us! (Simple Truths for Living Well) ” by Jack Pransky
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Tamara Powell, LMHC is a licensed therapist, former university psychology instructor, and empowerment coach who believes life should be lived as a journey that is “anything but ordinary.”
She loves quirky existential convos, especially if they’re accompanied by a chocolate cigar and a strong Jack & Coke.