Different people awaken different beasts in us
“I am convinced that different people awaken different beasts in you.”
– unknown
THAT makes you jealous, really??
We humans are a peculiar species sometimes. We get jealous for all sorts of reasons that when further examined, the logic for which crumbles pretty quickly.
I can’t tell you how many times someone has complained in my office that their partner acts “completely different” around their friends, family or someone they had an affair with. And I smile which either shocks or unnerves them or both… but it’s because I know science holds the key to curing this “dilemma” if they’re open to it.
By the way, it also explains how your ex who couldn’t get their shit together with you now seems to be thriving with someone else.
Different settings, different behaviors
In behavioral psychology we have a saying – “different settings, different behaviors” – alluding to the fact that humans act differently depending upon any number of internal and external factors including, but not limited to: environment, past experience and trauma, preferences, time of day, hormones, mood, attraction level and more.
Allow your mind to wander across memories of yourself in different social settings…
– as a child with your parents
– hanging out with your best friend
– attending a party with people you barely know
– various coworkers
– your first lover vs your current lover(s)
– your favorite author, philosopher, or poet
– your favorite client or type of customer versus those who frustrate you
How do you experience YOURSELF in each of these situations?
What was the same? What was different?
Is it because of you or them?
The answer is BOTH.
There’s a bidirectional feedback loop happening at all times we would be wise to pay attention to as it holds the potential for incredible fulfillment OR bitterness, resentment, and jealousy etc.
On one hand, one could argue that you are the same person across all situations, and yet your brain filtering the stimuli from your environment allows you to access different parts of your personality depending upon how you interpret that stimuli.
One of the most common examples of this is vacation sex. Why is it so much easier for us to lower our inhibitions and have a toe tingling, full body orgasm in a hotel vs. at home? Well for starters, we usually have little to no responsibilities and sometimes are without our children as well… huge mojo boost right there alone! Our brains are primed to be a little more randy without all that pressure and interruption.
Conversely, the energy of whoever you are around also has a big effect on you. If you’re an introvert surrounded by extroverts, you might enjoy being the quiet one who isn’t expected to give a lot of input OR you could also be completely overwhelmed and find yourself escaping as quickly as possible. Drop same introvert in a room full of other introverts instead? Suddenly one of them might feel inclined to break the ice… maybe.
Variety is the spice of life
To demand either of yourself or those you love to have to be all things at all times it’s not only ridiculous, it is unnecessary pressure and sets you both up for failure.
Only radical autonomy can provide true, deep and lasting connection between individuals because it starts from the premise that you are a whole and complete person experiencing yourself through the nuanced mirrors of others and it is a glorious thing.
It is absolutely vital that we come to develop the ability to enjoy our loved ones in their fullness even if that means seeing other friends or situations fulfill them in ways that may not be natural to us personally.
For example, with one of my daughters, it is easier to enjoy the bold and brash side of life which I personally can’t get enough of, and with the other, I enjoy the fringes of society with inner pockets and rabbit holes that makes the first one cringe. I’m the same mom but also different with each of them.
My husband loves video and board games and cosplay and all manner of nerd shit as well as heavy metal music. I do not. He has platonic friends for this or sometimes, a member of our polycule.
As a pansexual switch, I can be a femme dom to one lover and completely tantric or submissive with another. It wouldn’t make any sense for a cuckhold to be jealous of a bull, now would it?
I urge you dear one, to explore your cravings and clenches in your relationships. Ask yourself how open you are at any given time to seeing things from a new lens and either yourself or your loved one.
You just might find a new beast that you quite like. 😉
Further Considerations
If you’re in a relationship that is currently struggling and you either miss or crave something in your partner you believe to be present with someone else, ask yourself the following:
– What is it about that other person or environment that brings it out of them?
– What is it that you wish to be experiencing in YOU as a result of this thing?
– What energy are YOU giving off? … for example, if you want them to be more aggressive but you give off caretaker or needy vibes, that’s not likely to happen. Even if you don’t think this is the case, you should probably ask them for feedback.
– Is there a way that you could be experiencing this with someone else in a way that doesn’t threaten your relationship (e.g., platonic friends)?
– Is there past baggage or present factors contributing to a block between you?
As uncomfortable as these conversations might be at times, approaching them periodically with an open and non-defensive mindset can work wonders! If however, they’re unable or unwilling, you might be better off leaving for someone who’s a better fit.
About the Author:
Tamara Driskell, LMHC is a licensed therapist, former university psychology instructor, and transformation coach who believes life should be lived as a journey that is “anything but ordinary.” She specializes in gender, sexual, relationship and erotic diversity and makes no qualms about shooting straight from the hip about subjects most consider taboo.